


Vows

by talia_ae



Category: New Girl
Genre: Dirty Yiddish, F/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-24
Updated: 2011-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 01:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/302174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talia_ae/pseuds/talia_ae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Schmidt and Gretchen's greatest wedding hookups, 2007-2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ozmissage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ozmissage/gifts).



> This was loads of fun to write! Warning for a decent amount of dirty Yiddish, glossary at the bottom. Also, all names are ganked from the NYTimes wedding announcements or bowdlerized from Facebook, because I am uncreative.

**1\. Nicole Zila and Andrew Spicehandler, July 7th, 2007**

"Spicey!" Schmidt claps Andrew on the shoulder. "Congrats, bro!"

"Fat Schmidt, my man!" Andrew pulls him in for a bro-hug, beaming. Schmidt winces a little. "Thanks for being here on the big day!"

"You know it." Schmidt snags a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. "So, let's get down to the deets. Which bridesmaid just broke up with her boyfriend?"

Andrew leans in conspiratorially. "Well, Nicki's cousin Zayna, in the silver heels? Just out of a three year relationship and rebounding _hard_. Be all suave and you're in, dude. You got this."

He ends up in the coat closet with Gretchen, a musty scarf tied tightly around his head, covering his eyes.

To be fair, she was wearing a dress this time, since it's summer.

 **2\. Melissa Markovic and Max Radi, October 31st, 2008**

"I like the Halloween theme, Mel." Gretchen sips her orange martini. The stirrer is topped with a bat. "It gives it a lot of character."

Melissa's shoes are orange, peeking out from underneath a Victorian-esque frock. "We figured if we're going to spend this much money, we'd have fun with it. And it stopped the arguments between my mom over, like, if we were going to step on the glass and doing the chair dance, and Max's mom, who wanted a traditional Tibetan wedding. Which Max didn't think was feasible."

"So instead you're making a mockery of the whole thing?" Gretchen raises an eyebrow, and Melissa laughs.

"Yeah, pretty much. It's quirky. We were both drama majors. Why not? And you got an orange pantsuit, it's awesome."

"Schmidt already told me I look like a pumpkin," Gretchen responds. Melissa snorts.

"There's a bathroom to the left of the back entrance to the reception hall. No one's using it, I say go for it. Give him what for."

She... gives him what for.

 **3\. Chaya Westrich and Yossi Friedman, April 11, 2009**

"Hey, Schmidt." Everyone else is doing the horah, but Schmidt is staring down someone Gretchen is pretty sure must have been at his bar mitzvah, from the depths of hatred emanating from his eyes. "I want to get reacquainted with your _petseleh_."

Schmidt turns around. "Hey, hey, okay, that is _really_ uncalled for."

She grins at him. "My apologies. Your _groisser potz_."

"Fine," Schmidt grumbles, and grabs her hand. "But I'm only showing you mine if you show me yours. _Tsitskeh_ for _shvantz_."

He almost gets a concussion from a falling menorah. It's mostly worth it.

 **4\. Lauren Coen and Jessica Perkiel, June 2nd, 2010**

"No," Schmidt says. "Not this time. This is not happening again, Gretch. I will resist."

Gretchen folds her arms. "Every bridesmaid is married, two of them are pregnant, and one of them is a lesbian. Not that I _like_ to say I'm the last resort-- I'm better than that and you know it-- but I don't see your chances improving, buster."

"Nick and I are gonna--"

"Nick is off with Caroline."

"Coach is--"

"Otherwise occupied," Gretchen says smartly. "Come on. You can make me breakfast in the morning."

"This is the last time this happens," Schmidt warns. "I mean it. Savor it."

It isn't.

**Author's Note:**

> petseleh - small penis  
> groisser potz - big penis  
> tsitskeh - breasts  
> shvantz - penis (no size mentioned).


End file.
